Our second son, DJ, was born thirteen months later, we had no idea that he had a deformed heart when DJ arrived they rushed him into immediate surgery. Our son was not supposed to live at all, but he was with us for four and a half years. Seven heart defects and seven surgeries. The days were incredibly difficult however the grace, love and strength of the Lord upheld us and even brought us joy – such joy! And eighteen months after DJ, David our third blessing was born!
We raised our sons living life with a new zeal for every minute was precious. I became a mom, teacher, housekeeper, negotiator, encourager, cheerleader!
We loved our family, our church, our lives. Dan made a decision to stop traveling for work so he could be home with our sons and me. I was so grateful!
Dan and I were best friends, from the first date to the day we said good bye, he cheered me on in so many ways always encouraging me to grow and spread my wings. Dan had grown up in upstate NY- his grandfather had a beef cattle farm and Dan lived there for a while, learning valuable lessons of life. A practical man and known for his diligence and hard work. Dan was a softie, he cried during movies, hugged graciously and gave generously to all who needed.
So, when he was diagnosed with stage four cancer we were shocked! In less then fourteen months… he was gone! 32 years of marriage came to a sudden stop.
I wasn’t prepared, I don’t really think you can ever really be prepared emotionally to say such a sorrowful good-bye. My eyes cried until tears wouldn’t come anymore.
I felt numb. I felt empty. I was exhausted but couldn’t sleep. After all the preparations for the funeral , after everyone went home. The flowers faded, the phone calls stopped. Everyone else’s life seemed to go on but I felt like time stood still. It was at 10:03 pm on April 23, 2020 when my life, our lives forever changed.
I write this blog 1 year and seven months later. I am still here even though at times I thought I would die. I am able to sleep, I can actually laugh and yes, I still cry. I have to tell you that my Jesus held me ever so tightly, ever so gently. I have a strong Rock, a shelter that I run into when the storm is too great! There is a Scripture verse that says, I would have despaired unless I believed I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Sometimes through the heart ache and tears I would recite that verse because it held a promise of the “one day”’- not today but one day!
I also found a verse from Isaiah where God is speaking and He says, “ you will no longer call me master but Ishi or husband.” Oh I actually read that the morning of Dan’s passing. I was sitting beside him when I opened to this verse. I knew the Lord was telling me Dan would be leaving me soon and He – God would be my husband. Another promise to hold onto.
I want to encourage you my friends, God really IS faithful and He can take all your anger, frustrations, crying, yelling! It doesn’t deter Him from holding you and loving you and seeing you through this horrible grief.
There is a song that says , “Look up child,”
It’s so encouraging- when you feel like you can’t do anything, you feel lost, look up child. He is there.
I want you to know you are not alone in grief- we are here for you. I love you, I’ve written this for you, so that you know someone else went through this and survived. I will write more as the weeks unfold but for now please write in the email portion of the webpage whatever you might need prayer for. We are honored to pray for you.
Blessings in the Name of Jesus Christ our Savior! May He bless and keep you, may you feel His presence and be comforted by His Holy Spirit. Father thank you for all who have read this blog post hold them near your heart
❤️